The Roman Curia, The Holy See, Rome
In the aftermath of the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict XVI due to his advanced age and fear of delirium, which is reasonable taking into account the fact that when he was believed to be mentally fit he had said that condoms spread AIDS, as you seek a Supreme Pontiff of sound mind from an eminent pool of sixty-to-seventy-year-old virgins, kindly consider this application for the job of Pope from me, Manu Joseph I, a member of the laity.
I am aware that you do not seek applications, but I apply because the Church is in a precarious state and it has to consider extraordinary solutions.
My CV, which is enclosed, may appear unremarkable at first glance, even pointless when the marital status is noted, but if observed carefully the applicant has merit.
For instance, the Church is surely wise enough to know that men in long faithful tropical marriages are indeed somewhat acquainted with celibacy. Also, I am a young male, though not so young that I will lead cardinals to sin; and, once on Indian national television I was accused of misogyny; and, through my writings and one Facebook post, I believe I have relentlessly advertised the Son of God though in the form of an endearing sub-culture, actually to be honest, in the form of a liquor found in Kerala, which is named Jesus Christ because after you drink it, you will rise only on the third day. But more important than all this is that I am a novelist, which none of the former Popes have been, even though Christianity has emerged from the Great Story.
If his application is accepted, Pope Manohar could be the last to oversee the exercise of the Petrine ministry.
The 12th century clairvoyant St Malachy said there would be only 112 Popes and that during the tenure of the 112th, Rome—and the Church—would be wiped out.
In St Malachy’s own words:
“The City of Seven Hills shall be destroyed and the dreadful Judge shall judge the people.”
Read the full application: I am the man